Madonna Workout

A free periodical, Living Well Today, was perched charmingly on display inside the front door of the local Homeland. The front cover featured Madonna, recently seen during halftime of the Super Bowl, next to a teaser about her workout, how she achieves her marvelous figure, and how I, too, can do her workout and look just as good as her.
Whaaat?? Count me in!
I grabbed the mag and headed back out the door without my requisite package containing the promised soy milk for my little man, Bubs. (Needless to say, later I made a return trip to the store for the aforementioned milk, but really that's a sidebar to this story, the promise of having thigh muscles that pop walnuts.)
Once home and in appropriate workout attire -- a pair of old shorts and an even older t-shirt, 'cause who am I trying to impress? -- I opened the pages to the training schedule and outlined workout.
First: cardio. 30 minutes of alternately sprinting, galloping, and skipping.
Uuuh...I'm 40 plus a minute or two years old. I can sprint, sure ... slowly ... but in my head I run like the wind.
Skip? I stopped that when I was five.
Gallop?? I am not even sure what that means. I visualized a sort of limp in which I put a foot in front and drag the other behind, like a dead limb. It's not a pretty picture. And do you go a ways and then alternate feet? Huh?
Move ahead.
Second: strength. 5 exercises, and a sixth for the expert.
No problem, I'm strong. Bring it.
1. Hold a three pound weight in each hand, arms at your sides, and bring them up over your head, forming a Y. Lower. Repeat. 100 times.
I don't have three pound weights.
I have a 15.5 ounce can of corn and a 16 ounce can of little green peas.
No one is watching. That will work. And I go.
I'm lifting. I'm laughing a bit at myself as I sling vegetables up and down and the weight seems so very light as to be ineffective.
And I'm just that conceited until I reach rep number 33 and I think my veggies have gained weight suddenly; maybe the cans are bloated, all my hurling them about has reconfigured their...juice...stuff...that they float in...
Around rep 50 I feel like I have reconfigured and that my muscles have atrophied to those of a woman twenty years older than me.
The corn is a little higher than the peas, because of that half ounce I guess, but by a little I mean a little.
Rep 76 brings me to Uncle. I shuddered just trying to put the veggies back on their respective shelves in my pantry.
Exercises 2 through 5? They can wait. They can wait a long while.
I'm off to vomit.